An unexplainable emptiness in your heart when that horrible pit comes back into your stomach. You seem to be having an okay day, laughing and smiling, and then it hits you... Connor is gone. Why am I laughing? Why am I acting okay, when I'm really not? Sometimes, you feel guilty for being happy. A horrible hole in your stomach that won't go away until you take a deep breath and a huge sigh, attempting to push the feeling out from your gut.

It's a thought that causes me to shudder, and it's a feeling that you just can't describe to anyone as hard as you try. People will listen, and people will offer their condolences, but they just can't feel what your feeling. Knowing that when you go home, he won't be there, as much as you wish he would. He won't be there to greet me with a huge smile, and a big hug, with a kiss on the 'wips.' I will never see him again until the day that I, myself, die.

A kid who was loved by all who met him is no longer on this earth. Time goes by quick, and five, almost six years is not a long time. It's almost a blur that he ever exsisted. I can remember things from my childhood like yesturday, yet it's hard for me to ever remember Connor not being in my life, considering he was such a huge part of it for six years. Sometimes time just freezes for a while, and you feel like your just a zombie walking around, unsure of what to do or say and nobody understands why your taking so long. Nearly everything reminds me of him, but I like it that way. I don't ever want to lose my memories. It's like a safe haven where you can go back in time for a moment to a time when everything was okay.

Everyone tells you "he's in a better place. He's in Heaven." Yes, he's in Heaven and some days that's the only thing that gets me through.. but other days, it doesn't matter. He's not with me, he's not with his mommy or daddy where he's supposed to be. I never want anyone to forget him, and I also never want anyone to think we're "over" this or we're so "strong." Whoever said time heals wounds is wrong. This wound will never heal, maybe it will ease on certain days, but I don't think there's really a 'timeframe' on when I will recover from this. I don't want to get over him, and I never will. I don't want to tumble into a downward spiral and wallow in my misery and make people for bad for me... no. Connor wouldn't want me like that, and I don't want to live a life like that.

What I want-- I want Connor to be remembered for who he was. A simple, fun-loving, caring child who would've given anything for anyone. A kid who loved nothing more than being with his family, and sitting outside by a fire riding his bike around and around in his dragon shirt pretending to be a Power Ranger. The sweetest, most gentle child who loved to squeeze my face and say "Oh little Brittany" and lay in the closet with me for an hour just to 'talk.' Or sing kareokee with me as loud as he could, and dance around on the back table.

All that's left is pictures, memories, and stories that help me keep his memory alive and as many tears that they bring, they also bring joy. I know he's looking down on me, and for the rest of my life, he will always be my little brother. That will never change. I have to believe that I will be with him again, and when the gates of Heaven open for me, his smiling face will be waiting to greet me.